Ambivalence

In my attempt to catharsis, I have spent my private Saturday in my room and watched endlessly Robbie William’s music videos. And it dredged up my frustration on his Singapore concert that was called of a few weeks ago. It could have been a total chill out jiffy for me. It could have been another venue of culture mélange where intermingling was supposedly a part of my game plan.

Ok so that is not my story for this entry. Obviously, as I label this one, I am on a stage of indecisiveness. It is worse than dilemma but not close to suicidal attempts, please, never. Much like dancing rigodon, less a partner and presence of mind. Hmm, I could never imagine. It is like playing snake and ladder where you move one step forward and 10 steps backward. The latter is a better analogy. I hope I make sense.

Honestly, I am rambling as I write this piece. That’s how muddled my life is as of. A soul wandering cluelessly on a one way street. Entertaining negative emotions that are supposedly uncalled for.

Seriously (I mean, I’m serious from the very beginning), I am currently experiencing some sporadic emotional relapse and a mild manic-depression. But listen to me, it is not a good practice, whether you’re a psychiatrist or just plain adviser, to label someone’s mental condition. I just have the privilege to do it myself coz I love playing with names. Was I plastered? Almost. And here me shout later.

Geez…I should have never met Alonso Quixano and Oscar Wilde I swear.

I really need the Supreme Being now. I really need to succumb myself to our Teacher for some spiritual checking to know how bad my rating is. Thanks friends for all your prayers.

And one more thing, I really terribly miss my COF down to my last tissue. My true and solid friends. I wish I have the power to summon them right this very moment.

Ok Robbie, play that Beyond The Sea once more and I will click for you…(“I know beyond the doubt, my heart will lead me there soon. We meet I know we’ll meet beyond the shore, And kiss just like before. Happy we will be beyond the sea, and never again I go sailing.”)

Robbie Williams - Angels

Angels fly because they take things lightly...

Don Quixote

Disaster. You will never know when exactly it will strike until it happens. No matter how prepared  you are, it has its own mysterious way on how to hit your open unguarded area. So how much more if you are not? How much damage can it bring. Before you knew it, you are turned into rubbles and you are so lost seeing yourself in pieces you don't even know where to start picking up.

 

Disaster is by nature an unforeseen event you can less gird. But when  you triggered it to happen, it's a different story. I did. And my life's story will never be the same from then on. It all started when I dreamed of life that I thought is more real, a dream where waking up is my last shift.

 

It was almost four weeks ago when I have opened a can of worms, so to speak. Maybe someone caught me do it. And i didn't mind at all.  Learning to face battle head on, I have faced the biggest challenge of my life, put me to place where there's no turning back, and the only thing to do is move forward, or to stop. It's a quicksand I need to move fast. Along the way of struggles, a few unexpected events surfaced and gave me some "fun". It is totally weird I must say, but I enjoy it anyway.

 

Uhm...ok so I think I cannot proceed any further now. I'm getting absurd and so as my words.

 

Forgive me friends, but this dream, it's fun. I've learned a lot. But some good things have to end, how much more the bad ones. See, the more I am dragging up things to confusion. So let me stop from here.

 

All I want to say is this - and trust me when i say it - it is HARD and PAINFUL tilting at windmills. There's no hope to hope for.  Only bleak future.

 

Dream if you must, but wake up to reality. I am not fully awaken yet, by choice, but soon I will be. And if there's no reality for what I want, I will make one for myself. The hell I care for the rest.

 

Life marches on.